Thursday, September 2, 2010

Remembering

I am feeling very impatient today. I was really hoping to hear something about our adoption by now. I am having flashbacks to feelings I had over 5 years ago; feelings of uncertainty, feelings of doubt, feelings of impatience. These are just some of the feelings I had when I was dealing with infertility. When I heard that Rwanda would no longer be accepting dossiers I felt a rush of these unwanted emotions again. I remembered how much it hurts to wait on God to answer my prayer for a child. I thought these feelings were way behind me, a part of my past life, so you can imagine my dismay when doubt, worry, anger, and fear began to rear their ugly heads once again. My plan and my timeline for when we will meet our third child is not working out and I have not been thrilled about it.

Then I remembered that my plan didn't quite work out with my other children either. It was never in my plan for it to take over a year and a half to become pregnant. I certainly didn't plan to deal with cysts, polyps, or endemetriosis during my quest to become a mother. It also would not have been in my first plan to become foster parents while we waited, but it was God's plan. I can't imagine my life without these two little cuties below. This was my first experience as a mother and I learned for the first time what it was to sacrificially love another person, actually two other people. It was also the first time that God laid adoption on Justin's heart. He just told me a couple of nights ago that he doesn't even think we would be adopting if we hadn't experienced what we did with Lilith and Sebastian.


If my plan had worked and we would have conceived immediately I would not have my Sawyer. Was every tear over a negative pregnancy test and every surgery to remove cysts and endemetriosis worth it when I held MY baby in my arms for the first time? You better believe it! Was he worth the wait? You bet he was and still is, of course!
When he was just a few months shy of his first birthday, we found out Sawyer would be a big brother. Let's see, who's plan was that?
Man, I can't claim that one either! Yet, I wouldn't trade my little pumpkin, Jax for the whole world!
So, I felt like God has been saying to my heart, "while you are remembering the pain you felt when your plans didn't pan out, why don't you remember the great joy that came when Mine did!"
So, even though I really wish I had more control over the situation we are facing, I am also glad I don't. God's plans are much, much, much better than anything I can come up with on my own.
These little ones were worth every tear, every doubt, every day of wondering if I would ever be a mommy. Mia is worth it, too!!!

Baby girl,
Wherever you are, I know that God has a plan for you to be in my arms one day. I don't want to wait. I want you now, but I am going to trust our Heavenly Father. I am without a doubt certain, that you will be worth the wait.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher th“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isa 55:8-9an the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isa 55:8-9

5 comments:

  1. I thought we would have heard also! My rough day was yesterday- very rough.

    What awesome 2 little blessings you have!

    I am praying for you!
    kelli

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  2. Precious!! His plans are always so much better than ours! He is faithful...He has great plans for Mia too!

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  3. i love the perspective you give about your children, how true. i read your comment on stephanie's blog about not doing any adoption paperwork since the news and feeling like you're put on pause. that's the way i feel too. i feel like i've been walking around in a haze since last thursday. i know that god has plans for our children, it's just so hard when we can't see the bigger picture.

    prayers sent to you and all the others that wait

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  4. Meredith- Thanks for the comments!
    I haven't heard from Kiersten since the orginial call about the changes to Rwanda program. Thought about emailing her... but didn't know what to say. Thanks for the news... gives me hope!

    I haven't worked on my paperwork/education either. Just not sure what do to.

    Trying to be as present as possible for my kids and husband. Enjoy each day as a family of 4. I KNOW we will be a family of 5 soon. I've been praying 'the Lord is the strength of my life' psalms 27:1- everyday- when I rise, sleep, or feel overwhelmed.

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  5. Very, very, very well put and brought tears to my eyes. I'm overwhelmed on an almost daily basis at how beautiful God's plan for my life turned out but I can also vividly recall the years of pain to get to this point. My favorite verse during our waiting was John 14:18, "I will not leave you has orphans; I will come to you".

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