Emotions

Lately, when I tell people that we are adopting they usually say something like "Oh, how exciting!" or "You must be so excited!" To which I usually reply, "Oh yes, I am so excited!" I know people are encouraged by our decision and want to rejoice with us and for this I am thankful. I have been feeling lots of emotions lately associated with the adoption, but I have to admit that excitement is not one of those feelings.

Lately, I have had a heavy heart. I have been thinking about and praying for our daughter and her birth mother a lot. I wonder if her mother knows that she will not get to raise her child. I wonder what circumstances will bring her to the point of giving up her child. Will it be voluntary or involuntary? I read somewhere that 1 in 10 women die during child birth in Rwanda. As a mother it completely breaks my heart to think about another mother being unable to care for her child due to poverty, disease, or any other reason.

I have also been thinking about the orphanage where our daughter will live until we are able to bring her home. I read blog articles like this one and this one from people who describe their visit to the Home of Hope Orphanage where our daughter lives or will live and my heart breaks all over again. Please take the time to read these articles and to pray for the orphans and caretakers who call this place home.

I have been filled with a quiet sadness. Of course, I don't share this with people when I tell them about our adoption. I don't want to say, "Well I would be excited, but I just can't stop thinking about the mother who won't be able to raise her beautiful child or the thousands of orphaned children who just want someone to hold them for a few minutes." So, I just hold it inside, wrestle within myself, and try not to cry.

Yesterday morning I woke up very early after a restless night of sleep and I began to pray about all of these things that were weighing on my heart. Within a few minutes I was sobbing and grieving for the women and children of Rwanda. I have to say though that the Lord met me in my grief and it was a beautiful thing. I felt like He was right there with me comforting me and saying, "It's ok. I know how you feel. My heart breaks too. It breaks my heart, too!"

Of course He did not leave me there in my grief. He put a new song of hope in my heart. I read the following verses in the Message Bible about the story of the scattered seeds, "The seed cast in the weed represents the ones who hear the kingdom news but are overwhelmed with worries about all the things they have to do and all the things they want to get. The stress strangles what they heard, and nothing comes of it. But the seed planted in the good earth represents those who hear the Word, embrace it, and produce a harvest beyond their wildest dreams." Mark 4:18-20 I pray that I will not get bogged down with the stress and worries of this world, but that I would hear, embrace, and do God's word. I can't wait to see the beautiful harvest that He will produce.

I think it was important for me to grieve and to realize that behind every happy adoption story there is great tragedy. I am sure one day our daughter will come face to face with this as she questions who she is and where she comes from. I know God's plan is so much bigger than what we can see and because of this I have hope. So, today I can truthfully say that I am excited to see what the Lord is planning to do in our lives and in our daughter's life.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11