The Pictures I Didn't Want You to See

Yesterday, I shared pictures of us with our daughter. We were all happy and smiling and lovely! We really are so very happy to have our daughter and she is doing as well as can be expected. We are thankful for her sweet spirt and she brings so much joy to our lives. But, there is also another side to all of this that isn't so pretty and happy. You see, Justin and I have been praying for our daughter for a long time. We have been dreaming of her, reading books about adoption, and preparing our home for her. Our daughter however was not sitting around waiting and wishing and dreaming of us. Until Monday she didn't really know us, and if I am honest, she still doesn't. The picture below is of us leaving Hannah's Hope on Monday. Doesn't she look thrilled to be leaving with us? Not! She was pushing her body away from mine, because she just wanted to go back inside the black gates, back where she felt safe.
She cried as we told her special mothers goodbye and so did I. It broke my heart to take her away from the people who have cared for her and loved her. She is a different child than the one we were referred 7 months ago and I know it is partially because of the love and care she received at Hannah's Hope. It is mostly because of God, but I also feel I owe a lot to the sweet, precious women of Hannah's Hope.
As we drove away, I fought tears because I knew my daughter was scared and hurting. She nestled into my body and did not want to look at my face at all. Every once in a while she would look up and then immediately put her head back down. She completely broke down into sobs when we walked into our hotel room. It broke my heart, completely broke it, to see her so fearful. I held her and she eventually fell asleep in my arms.

You see, adoption is an amazing thing. This week, we have had moments where I felt so much joy that I thought my heart would burst. But, there have also been moments of pain that I wish I could erase. That's what adoption is about. It is about God making something beautiful out of ashes and bringing happiness out of pain.

I can already see my daughter's heart beginning to heal. She is starting to trust us more and more. She is learning that we are safe and that our hotel room is safe. Of course, tomorrow when we leave things will change again and she will have to adjust her life once more.

This is one of the reasons that when we get home we won't be out and about much. We are going to be focusing on our daughter and her heart. She has been through a lot of heartache in her young life and we are going to have a hard road ahead of us. I have no doubt that God can heal her heart and that He can make us a family. I wish it would happen instantaneously, but I also don't want to miss what God wants to teach us all through the process.