Back to Square 1

We mailed in our new application to AGCI today. It has been exactly 3 months since we signed our first application. 3 months ago I did not expect to be here, to be switching countries, and starting over.

I spoke to the social worker who is doing our home study and she told me that she will not have to redo our home study, just change a couple of things. Hopefully it won't take us too long to complete everything. I am not sure what all is involved with the dossier for Ethiopia. I do know it is less than the one for Rwanda, so that is a plus.

When I spoke with our social worker, I told her about all of the mixed feelings I have been having. She told me to make sure I took time to grieve. At the time I was thinking that I didn't really need to. I felt I already had, but this week was a really hard one for me emotionally. I have just been so sad and not felt peaceful about the whole situation. So, I have been grieving and praying.

I know I have not lost my child. She is still out there and God is leading us to her. I guess the thing that is upsetting me the most is the wait that is still ahead of us. When we first decided to pursue an adoption from Rwanda the total time frame from application to bringing home our child we were given was 9-14 months. Of course, we were told we had to be flexible and that things could change, but I really thought we might have a referral by spring and be bringing home a baby next summer or fall. I now know it will be much longer than that.

If we knew then what we knew now we may have made different decisions. Well, we would have. There is no may about it. The fact is we didn't, but God did. I am trusting that He is using all of this to lead us to our little girl.

This morning I woke up with that uneasy feeling again. I knew we needed to fill out our application today. I had tears in my eyes as I went for my morning walk and prayer time. I thought about all of our options regarding the adoption. When I say options I mean continuing or not. I even prayed about possibly pursuing domestic adoption. I prayed for God to show me what to do and to give me peace. I really wanted to feel peace. I don't expect things to be easy, but I want to at least feel like I am doing the right thing.

I can say now that God has given me that peace. We filled out our application and I truly think it was the right thing to do. Our daughter is in Africa and we are going to do whatever we have to do to get to her. If that means waiting longer than when we ever imagined waiting, then we will wait.

The other day, Sawyer told me that he didn't want a sister anymore, because it was taking too long for her to come home. It broke my heart to hear him say that. One of the hardest parts of this whole thing is that it doesn't just affect us, it also affects our boys. They want her to come home just like we do! I told Sawyer that we would have waited on him, because we loved him, so we are going to wait on Mia, too. I told him that we would pray everyday and that God will help us. He said that he would wait and that he loved her.

We all love her! Things have not gone as I have planned, but we are not ready to quit. She will be worth the wait. I keep telling myself this. Justin keeps telling me too. It will all be worth it!